…on day 37

its been 37 days since my bike accident and to be honest – i’ve had more ups than i’ve had downs. yes it has been pretty traumatic, but in the end its made me a stronger person.

today, however, i came to some strange realizations. no, scratch that, i don’t know WHAT conclusions i came up with after today.

i wandered into sephora, as i normally do on my way home from work… not sure why i do, i hardly wear any make-up except for eyeliner and eyebrow stuff – oh and of course the occasional lipstick lol. anyway, i go in and am immediately greeted with the strange “whoa, what happened to your face” looks that i’ve become so accustomed to. i find myself looking for another shade of powder for my shiny face – the unscathed side.

a woman begins to help me and we chat, friendly as ever, and she asks me if i was the same girl that came in a few weeks ago and was helped by a girl named so and so. i said yes and she was even more delighted to help me… (you see, the other girl who helped me was just in awe of how i was handling this experience, i guess normally females would be too afraid to even step out the door looking the way i did).

anywho, she lets me know that IF i wanted to try to cover my scars up, she could show me how. and to be honest, i was curious about this new brand (hahahaa i forgot the name – sorry! something – fx) and what it would look like on top of that hot mess lingering on the left side of my face.

she started covering up my scars little by little. i would scoot over to the mirror to take a peek, and with every dab of coverup she lay on, i felt a tinge in my gut. i can’t really explain it, but i guess it felt as though i was ashamed of these scars, as if my body and soul were shaking their head at me in disappointment and asking me, “why are you trying to hide us???”

in the end, i was almost shocked to see my old face re-emerge with a touch of bronzer and blush. it was almost TOO eerie – i was speechless. i guess my reaction made the woman feel like i hated the make-over, but i quickly told her it was mostly because i hadn’t seen my “normal” face in a month.

the guilt in me grew and grew. i thanked the woman and told her to give my regards to the other sales lady from before, and left.

even though i had all this makeup on my face covering up my scars, i felt like NOW people were noticing the fact that i HAD on maybe TOO much makeup, and to me, that felt WORSE than the stares i received from the wounds!

thing is, i’ve NEVER been vein about my looks (yea ok, i’ll admit to saying – DAMN i look cute today when i’m messing around with my friends hahahaha – but C’MON who doesn’t?!). but seriously, if i have a zit, i’ll call him steve, sam, or richard – depending on my mood. i don’t throw a cover over it and pretend its not there. we’re all human, we HAVE flaws – why hide them when you can just try to fit it in with your life?

call it confidence, call it “i don’t give a fuck,” call it whatever you like.

all i know is that when i got into the subway station, i took out a kleenex tissue and carefully dabbed away at the makeup that was covering my true skin. the more i saw the scars revealing themselves through the makeup, the less guilt i felt.

once i got home and washed my face, i felt at peace with what’s become of my reflection in the mirror.

although i long to have my pre-accident face again, these scars leave me with memories of pain, love, friendship, family, and the urge to keep moving forward…

…thank you everyone for your continuous support, it really DOES get me through the rough times (when they show up unexpectedly lol)