…on being a role model

sometimes i wonder how my younger cousins would be if i hadn’t left the bay area to move here to ny… its been 3.5 years i think, those little girls are now 10-11 years old. that means, i missed out on much of their “impressionable” years.

i talked to my family last night… no, not just my parents, because when you call your mom or dad and you’re filipina, you’re most likely going to have to talk to your grandma, your aunts, your uncles, nephew, cousins, monster – the english bulldog… yea. really. anyway, one of my little cousins got on the phone and asked, “ate jess, why did you dye your hair blonde?” i told her, because i wanted to (i already knew where this was going), “well, i don’t like it. why do you always change your hair?” me: because i like change, do you like change? “no seriously ate, [YES! she said ‘no seriously’ – i didn’t even know they would know the full meaning of this phrase!] why? i don’t like it- wait, here’s your mom.”

and before i could give her a lecture about individuality, my mom comes on the phone – interrupted by the babbles of my almost 2-yr old nephew, “ablah blah blrrrrrr whahaha!”

i ended the call and was just stunned. i had so many mixed emotions i didn’t know WHAT to call it!

when i was growing up, i always looked up to my sister for her “i don’t care to be in the cool crowd and i can be friends with anyone” attitude (something i learned much later than she… but that will be my next post hehehe); my cousin ate k for her sense of fashion, plus she was the eldest and WAS in that in-crowd, she’s where i got my foul mouth and shit-talking from actually… so i guess you can say i learned to “speak my mind” from her; my cousin ate m, although she was hardly around that much, i enjoyed seeing all her different looks – she too had ALL kiiiinds of different hairstyles. originally from ny, she and her younger sis – ate a – were my style icons. when madonna was big, they visited our house from ny and wore big permed hair, black leather jackets, mesh tights, lace cut off gloves, lots of jewelry – TOTALLY RAD – from then on, i KNEW i had to move to NY and get a taste of THAT action… i think i was 11.

i now look at the lives of my little rugrats and wonder, who do they have to look up to? i mean… yea, there’s my ate k – but she’s WAY older than them now, with a child, a dog, a husband… there’s her brother kj, but he’s my age, and well, he’s a GUY and the little rugrats are all girls. i guess one of them has her cousins from her dad’s side, but honestly, they’re all really young still and living some – uhm – different lifestyles.

i guess what i’m trying to get at, is i hope its not too late to try to teach my cousins that its OK to be different, its OK to not follow the norm and be sucked into “cliques,” its OK to rebel against what society thinks is socially “safe,” FUCK THAT! rebel! (but of course, in a smart way… always.. lol)

i DON’T want my cousins to become the product of their environment, i want them to be ABOVE all of it in hopes they will learn to explore the world and perhaps be able to have the same experiences i had growing up… but i guess time will only tell, and all i can really do is show my support from afar and give them words of wisdom advice – because i am no wise soul.. wise ass perhaps.

all this will eventually lead on to my next post: …on being an outcast (coming soon lol), but i have to warn you, i may hurt many of my friends’ feelings, but i know many of us think it, i’m just gonna say it.